You know that moment when your partner seems distant for a hot minute and suddenly your brain starts panicking and maybe even planning a breakup?
Wild, right?! Been there. Done that.
It’s so easy to blame yourself or your partner as you slip into a spiral of relationship anxiety. So what’s actually happening here?
The answer is way simpler than you think. And I’m here to demystify it.
A Concrete Example
Let’s say someone adores their partner… but they’re anxious almost all the time. When I ask for one example, here’s a type of scenario that gets brought up pretty often:
It’s 8pm. They’re sitting on the couch, hanging out, feeling fine… until they see their partner on their phone.
That familiar chest-tightening anxiety hits instantly.
They ask, “Who are you texting right now?”
Partner says, “No one,” locks the phone, and tosses it to the side.
And commence anxiety spiral.
Sound familiar? I hear this constantly.
The Gap: What Happened vs. What Your Brain Makes It Mean
What happened:
You saw your partner looking at a lit-up phone screen.
What you made it mean:
They’re texting someone else → That person must be more important → They’re going to leave me for someone else.
This is the moment anxiety is born.
Anxiety isn’t caused by your partner. It’s caused by the interpretation your brain jumps to. It’s usually an old belief you’ve had for years.
Your brain isn’t reacting to a phone.
It’s reacting to a story.
And once that story starts, it feeds itself like a snake devouring its own tail.
Thoughts Create Feelings
If this feels surprising, you’re not alone. Nobody teaches us this.
We grow up thinking our circumstances create our emotions.
That’s how we end up feeling powerless in our relationships.
But here’s the actual science behind relationship anxiety.
Your brain is always interpreting the world.
Every interpretation fires off a chemical reaction in your body.
A single thought triggers hormones and signals that create emotion.
Your body reacts to the thought as if it’s a fact, even when nothing dangerous is happening.
This is why your heart races, your stomach drops, or your chest tightens.
Thoughts first. Feelings second.
Every time.
This is one of the most empowering truths you’ll ever learn, because changing the sentence in your mind changes your entire emotional experience.
So Why Does Your Brain Freak Out Over Harmless Stuff?
Simple: your nervous system thinks it’s protecting you.
Anything uncertain — a delayed text, a weird tone, a shift in routine — can make your brain slam the panic button and throw you into:
- fight
- flight
- freeze
- fawn
Your brain cannot tell the difference between real danger and emotional discomfort.
So it reacts to a slow reply the same way it reacts to a lion.
Flooded with stress chemicals, it tries to “save” you from a threat that isn’t actually happening.
Your brain isn’t trying to torture you.
It’s trying to keep you alive.
Anxiety Is Ancient Wiring in a Modern World
This fear response evolved over millions of years.
It’s only in the last few hundred years that we haven’t had to obsess over:
- food
- shelter
- physical safety
Your brain is basically running Stone Age software on modern hardware.
For most of human history, social rejection was a literal threat.
Your tribe could cast you out, and that was often fatal.
Today the “danger” is:
- a late text or the wrong emoji
- a dry response
- a weird vibe on a date
But your nervous system doesn’t know the difference. So it reacts like a saber-toothed cat just walked into your kitchen.
That’s why relationship anxiety feels HUGE.
It’s prehistoric wiring firing in response to modern emotional triggers.
Important Note: Real Danger Still Exists
There are absolutely real physical and emotional threats in the world.
Abuse, violence, and unsafe dynamics are real and often more common than people think.
If you’re part of a social minority, those risks increase.
Nothing I’m explaining here is meant to minimize those experiences.
Those situations require protection, support, and possibly intervention.
What I’m talking about is why your nervous system also sounds the alarm in moments that aren’t dangerous, while still honoring that real danger absolutely exists.
So What Do You Do About Relationship Anxiety?
Alright, so outside of truly unsafe situations, what do we do about this constant relationship anxiety?
If anxiety is caused by your thoughts (not your partner), what’s the next step?
Here it is:
Your anxiety isn’t a flaw.
It’s a signal.
Your brain and body want clarity.
Clarity is built intentionally and intentionally practiced.
That’s where coaching comes in.
Coaching (with me, someone else, or even self-coaching) is one of the most powerful ways to get real, lasting relief and finally stop letting your nervous system run your love life.
Ready to Get Out of the Spiral?
If you’re tired of feeling anxious in your relationship and want to get clear, grounded, and steady again, I’d love to help you.
👉 Book a completely risk-free consultation — we’ll talk about what’s going on and what it would look like to actually change this.
https://calendly.com/bwyac/consult
Not ready for coaching yet?
👉 Use the form below to send me your dating or relationship question.
I’ll answer it anonymously in an upcoming blog post or Instagram Reel so you can get guidance without pressure.
You’re not alone in this.
Support is one click away.